Tag Archives: grief

Poem

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I found this poem online, I’m not sure who wrote it or what it’s title, but I thought it was beautiful.

 

The world may never notice
if a rosebud doesn’t bloom
or even pause to wonder if the petals fall too soon
but every life that ever forms
or ever comes to be
touches the world
in some small way for all eternity
the little one we longed for
was swiftly here and gone
but the love that was then planted
is a light that still shines on
and though our arms are empty
our hearts know what to do
every beating of our heart says
We will remember you.

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Faces of Loss

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As many of you know, I lost my angel baby Emery on March 25th, 2011.  It has been 16 months since I lost her, but I still cry myself to sleep.  I was never prepared for what came after.  The doctors never gave me any pamphlets on bereavement and I didn’t have much of a support group.  Most people didn’t know what to say, or never mentioned it again.  For a long time, it seemed like everyone else had moved on, but I was stuck.  The doctors had sent me home to pass her despite my requests for a D&C and on the 25th, I held my lifeless little girl in the palm of my hand.  I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.  That was one of the most devastating moments of my life.  But it seemed that only I was really affected.  No one else was grieving like I was.  I didn’t know anyone who had suffered a miscarriage and I kept getting told “just get over it, move on.”

Now most people know that if you mix baking soda and vinegar in a bottle then put the cap on, eventually the pressure would cause the top to blow.  I was that bottle for quite some time.  Everyone kept giving me the “stop being negative, it was only a miscarriage, at least you have a child.”  And for a long time I kept how I was feeling to myself.  Everyone else was over it, maybe so should I.  But I had this nagging feeling that I wasn’t crazy, that maybe I was supposed to be this upset.  That was my daughter, I had carried her throughout her entire life.  From the moment of the positive pregnancy test, everything was about her.  My body was her safe vessel and I was the captain.  She breathed through me, was fed through me, lived in me.  Every thought I had, was in regards to her safety and well-being just as I did with my Princess.  And when she left us, I mourned her like I would anyone I loved.  But despite the short time we had together, I loved her whole-heartedly.  So every time someone would tell me how I was to feel, I would blow my top like my insides were baking soda and their comments were the vinegar and have a full on meltdown.  And then I was told I was the crazy one.  Had I lost a living child, would my grief been justified?  Was Emery a second-class citizen because she died before she left my womb?  And because of that, did she deserve a second-class mourning?  I grieved alone because no one else would mourn her.

It wasn’t until her angelversary that I knew I had to do something about this.  I was growing more and more angry with people.  Why didn’t they understand?  Who were they to tell me to let go of my daughter?  You let go of someone who love and tell me how it feels when someone says to get over it.  I knew I needed to find something or someone who understood.  I began searching the internet for groups and people telling their stories and I found Faces of Loss.  I was looking through its Groups page and I was able to find one in Toronto.   I messaged the group leader and last night I went to my very first meeting.  I have never felt more accepted.  These women understand my heartache and my grief and all those crazy thoughts that went through my mind.  They gave me ideas as to how to communicate with Hubby, how to grieve and ways that I could commemorate Emery’s life.  I am so grateful for this group and wanted to write about it so that if there are any other women out there looking for support, it IS out there.

Quotes About Miscarriage

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“An Angel in the book of life, wrote down my babies birth.  Then whispered as she closed the book, ‘Too beautiful for Earth.'”

There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world”

“Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too precious to forget!”

“How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed.  But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts” – Dorothy Ferguson

“A moment in our arms, a lifetime in our hearts.”

“They gave so much to be so little, but Angels always do.”

“Dear Lord, I would have loved to hold my baby on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn’t get the chance, would you please hold them on yours and tell them about me?”

“Each new life, no matter how brief, forever changes the world.”

“There is, I am convinced, no picture that conveys in all its dreadfullnes, a vision of sorrow, despairing, remediless, supreme.  If I could paint such a picture, the canvas would show only a woman looking down at her empty arms.” – Charlotte Bronte

“I held you every second of your life.” – Stephanie Paige Cole

“No one can know how much I love you, because you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.”

“If every tear we shed for you became a star above, you’d stroll in Angel’s garden, lit by everlasting love.”

“If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever.”

“A person’s a person, no matter how small.” – Dr. Seuss

“It has been said time heals all wounds, I do not agree.  The wounds remain.  In time, the mind protecting it’s sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it’s never gone.” – Rose Kennedy

“Breathe.  Listen for my footfall in your heart.  I am not gone but merely walk within you.” – Nicholas Evans

“If I had lost a leg, I would tell them, instead of a boy, no one would ever ask me if I was ‘over it’.  They would ask me how I was doing learning to walk without my leg.  I was learning to walk and to breathe and to live without Wade.  And what I was learning is that it was never going to be the life I had before.” – Elizabeth Edwards

“It’s a happy life, but someone is missing.  It’s a happy life, and someone is missing.” – Elizabeth McCracken

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Looks like the End of the Tunnel is Further Away than we Thought

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I had posted earlier about finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of being infertile, we finally got some results back from the doctor and it wasn’t good.  I got home one day after work and there was a message for me.   The nurse had called and said that I needed to come and see the doctor asap to discuss my test results.  To be honest, I had always thought it was a thyroid problem, but I wasn’t so lucky.

“So I’ve gone over your test results and your uterus looks healthy, your kidneys are great, your thyroid is fine, but your ovaries have cysts on them and your hormones are out of whack,” my doctor tells me.

“Ok…what does that mean?” I tremble a little bit.  I shift a little in my chair, trying to brace myself for the news ahead.

“Are you still breastfeeding?” he asks.

“No.  I haven’t breastfed in 3 years.”

“Well your prolactin levels are extraordinarily high and you basically have no estrogen left in your body.  As it stands now, you are not ovulating and you cannot get pregnant.  You have healthy eggs, but your ovaries are not releasing them.  This is likely why you lost your last baby.  Your body doesn’t have the proper hormones to maintain a pregnancy right now.”

“Ok,” I choke.  “What’s the plan from here?”  All I can think is this cannot be happening to me.

I am being sent to an endocrinologist who is going to let me know if some type of medication will regulate this and maybe, just maybe, I may be able to have one more child.  I walked out of the office, somewhat dumbfounded.  Still in shock, I boarded the bus and headed to work.  I tried to choke back the tears, but  “as it stands now, you are not ovulating and you cannot get pregnant” keeps playing over and over again in my head.  I get to work and they ask me how it went and I break down.  I was given the rest of the day off to collect myself.  I felt and still feel betrayed by my body.   To add insult to injury, it happened right before mother’s day.  A person can only take so much.

I called hubby to let him know and when he gets home, he gives me the one thing I truly need.  A shoulder to cry on.  I have to say I love the way he listens without voicing his opinion.  He knows I just need a day to rant and cry and get my feelings out.  He doesn’t try to tell me that everything will turn out ok.  He just lets me feel, and that’s all I need right now to get me through this.  I have been given instructions to reduce my stress levels as that can worsen my prolactin levels as it stands and allow myself to have some “me time”.  So while I am still waiting to see what the specialist has to say, I have to say I feel like the glimmer of hope is beginning to fade.  Now this evening, I did have a bird poop on my shoulder, and it is supposed to be good luck, and I hope so, because God only knows I could really use some right now.

“The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe” by J. Randy Taraborrelli

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   “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

Without Marilyn Monroe, we wouldn’t have that iconic white dress over the street grate.  Without Marilyn Monroe, we wouldn’t know diamond’s are a girl’s best friend.  And without J. Randy Taraborrelli, we wouldn’t know The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe.   Taraborrelli blows the rumours of Monroe out of the water and leaves nothing but the truth.  You will learn about her tumultuous childhood, her family’s history of mental illness, her half-sister, her confrontation with the man she believed to be her father, Joe DiMaggio, Arthur Miller, JFK & RFK and the FBI, but last but not least, her sad spin into barbiturate addiction.  For my full review, click here.

“His first hand accounts from the people who knew her blows the myths, the rumours out of the water and leaves the truth, naked and exposed for all our prying eyes, needing to know more about Marilyn.  The candor leaves your nerves raw, your heart ache and your soul weep.  Taraborrelli lets us all into The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe.”

 

A Glimmer of Hope at the End of The Tunnel

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Pregnant   I received a bit of news that shows there is a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel.  I had almost given up hope of getting pregnant.  I had been to doctors that either refused to help me at all, or tried to tell me I “just wasn’t ready”.  I made an appointment with another doctor and from the moment I explained why I was there, he smiled and said to me, “I’m going to help you.”  I’ve never been quite so happy to hear those 5 words.  Let me give you a little back story first.

In November of 2008, our daughter was born.  Delivered via emergency C-Section, she was born a happy, and healthy 7 lbs 5 oz, 21 1/2 inch long bundle of precious joy.  We hadn’t planned on becoming pregnant when we did, but when we got the “positive” on the test, it was a simple decision, we were keeping her.  And the moment she was laid in our arms, we knew we had made the right decision.  She was all we had ever dreamed of.  I don’t think I knew before what a true, and pure love you can have for a child until her so when she was almost 2, we decided that we were going to try for another.

We had calculated it out that if we got pregnant right away, by the time the baby was born, I would have a full year with both of my children before my eldest daughter would have to go to kindergarten and I would have to go back to work.  This way, we would only have 1 child in diapers and daycare at once.  Seemed like the perfect age difference between them both.  My sister and I were 2 years apart and I remember always having someone to play with, share clothes with, and argue with.  I loved having siblings and I wanted the same for my daughter.  After coming off the pill, my cycles were wonky to say the very least, but I figured it would take some time.  I thought, 2 to 3 months max.  By Christmas and still no pregnancy, I booked an appointment with my gyno to see if there was anything wrong.  She sent me to have an ultrasound to see if I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), which I didn’t.  I had asked her for any advice to help speed up the process to One proud Papawhich she replied, “just keep having sex.”  If just having sex created babies, then the world would be full of them.  She explained nothing about cervical mucus, ovulation, positions or anything, just have sex.  I had no thought to argue, after all she was a doctor, a gynecologist and obstetrician to boot, so if she had any tips, she surely would tell me.

After 6 months of trying, we finally got a positive test result.  I was beyond ecstatic.  My husband and I were going to be parents again.  We hugged and kissed and began to think of what the next 9 months would hold.  It wasn’t long before I was showing (I had a full belly by 3 months with my first daughter) and the search for maternity clothes began.  I remember thinking to myself how great I felt considering with my daughter, I had morning sickness for 7 months, raging heartburn, swollen feet, headaches and extreme fatigue.  I was a little bit tired, but I had no morning sickness, none of my previous symptoms.  I thought how great this was, but there was this nagging thought in the back of my mind that something wasn’t “right”.  I had read that each pregnancy was different and how some women never had any of the “typical” pregnancy symptoms, so I kept telling myself everything was fine.  But the thought still remained and I was going to tell my doctor that I was experiencing no symptoms.  My first doctor’s appointment was at 13 weeks, and I was 12 week6 Monthss when everything changed.  The night prior, I had the most vivid dream I have ever had.  I had dreamt that I was taken into the hospital and gave birth and my baby was taken from me before I got to see or hold it.  I remember waking up crying and what an awful feeling that was.  I shook it off as those crazy dreams women get while pregnant, and went to work like it was any other day.

At lunch time, I noticed there was a bit of blood.  I began to panic.  I’m not generally a person who keeps my cool under extreme situations so I told my manager immediately that I needed to go to the doctors.  I had to call my doctor 3 times before they would let me come.  And they didn’t really let me come, I called and said “I’m pregnant and bleeding and I’m coming right now.”  My doctor saw me and did an exam.  My cervix was still closed, which was good, but there was a lot of dried blood.  She was sending me to have an ultrasound the next morning and that I was to go home and relax.  I went home and rubbed my belly and told myself that everything was fine and that I was merely overreacting.  I have somewhat of a “worst case scenario” mentality and had told myself that this was just another case that I was over analyzing and everything would be fine in the morning.  I would go for the test and see my baby and everything would be fine.  Fine, fine, fine.1 year

I went to the clinic and had the ultrasound.  I saw my baby up on the screen, it was small but I was elated none the less.  I’m no technician so it looked exactly how it should.  The tech came back with a stapled shut envelope and handed it to me.

“Please take this to your doctor right now,” she said quietly.

“I have an appointment with her on Friday, can I give it to her then?” I asked.

“No, you have to go now.”  Not good.  A sinking feeling began to swim in my stomach.

“Ok.”   My doctor’s office was only a few steps away from the ultrasound clinic and I fought the entire way not to open the envelope.  Why had she stapled it shut?  Why did I need to go now?  I got to the office and went to the front desk.  I explained what the tech had said and the receptionist said that my doctor wasn’t in today but she would call a nurse.  The nurse opened the envelope and told me to follow her.  I wasn’t even through the door, which was still open when I heard these words;

“It’s bad news,” she said so matter-of-factly.  I began to cry and grasp for the closest chair.  The door wasn’t even shut and people walking by, visibly pregnant were looking at me on their way by.  She handed me the letter which read in big letters, “Fetal Demise, no heartbeat detected, fetus appears calcified, only measuring 7 weeks, 6 days.  I was supposed to be 12 weeks pregnant.  I had been a human graveyard for 4 weeks.  I was devastated.  No, I don’t think devastated quite describes how I felt.  There are no words to describe it.  The nurse had called my doctor and had her speak to me on the phone.  She apologized for my loss and that if I came in on Friday, they would perform a DNC.  A surgical procedure, but I wanted to be done with this.  I didn’t want to20 Months pass it at home, I just wanted it to be over.  They asked if I needed them to call anyone, but I said no and that I needed to go home.  I called my work in the lobby and told them I would not be in for a few days and then I called my husband.

“Hey baby,  how’d the test go?” he asked, trying to sound upbeat.

“The baby is dead,” I cried, holding onto the wall for support, hiding my face from the people in the lobby.  There was a silence on the phone for quite some time.

“I’m coming home, where are you?”  I told him that I was catching a cab from the office.  He told me he loved me and we would talk as soon as he got home.

I got home and collapsed in my room.  It still hadn’t sunken in that I had been carrying a dead baby for 4 weeks and was still showing.  I was visibly pregnant, but yet my belly kept growing.  It was a cruel joke, I thought to myself, how could this happen to me?  My husband came home and all I could do was yell and cry, rant and scream, weep and be silent.  He is the strong silent type and just listened to me.  I am glad for it, because had he said something along the lines of “Don’t worry, we’ll try again” or “It just wasn’t meant to be” I may have lost my mind altogether.  2 1/2 years

He came with me that Friday where we learned that they would not give me a DNC like they had said they would as they “didn’t have room” for me in the OR, so they wanted me to try a pill that would empty the contents of my uterus.  That night, lying in my underwear, was my 7 week, 6 day old baby, attached to the amniotic sac, calcified like the tech said it was, looking up at me.  It was the single most scarring moment of my life.  I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.  No woman deserves to see the child they so desperately wanted, lying dead in front of them.  My husband heard my screams and came in.  He had kept it together until then.  He wrapped it up in some tissue paper and went into our bedroom.  I found him sitting on the bed crying.

“Why that?  Out of all of this, why did that have to happen?” We had lost our baby, wasn’t that painful enough, but to have that happen.  It just wasn’t fair.

Needless to say, it took a very long time to recover from that.  We went to other doctors to try to get some help, at least figure out what went wrong.  My OBGYN had refused to help us get pregnant.

3 1/2 years   “I can help you, I just don’t want to.  Why do you want to have babies so close together?  I’ll never figure out you young people.  You’re not even married.”  On top of grieving, I was now being spoken down to by my very own doctor.  Another doctor told me “It wasn’t even a baby.”  Where was I being treated?  Was I back in the 1800’s?  I could not believe that this was how I was being spoken to.  I argued that if women wanted to have their breasts reduced or enlarged, doctors would help them.  If a man wished to have a vasectomy, they would help him too.  Even if someone wants to change their sex, doctors would help.  They would not belittle them because they were 25 and unmarried.  My husband and I are technically common law, however, we do not need to have the same last name, matching rings and a piece of paper to say that our love and committment to one another is any less genuine and sincere.  We both love each other deeply, and plan to be with each other for the rest of our lives, we just don’t need that ceremony to make it concrete.  We love our life together, how we choose to be together and it works for us.  We don’t press our values and ideals on others, so all we ask is not to have them pressed upon us.  We have been together for 6 years.  We both work full-time jobs, pay our bills, feed our daughter home cooked meals, our house is clean, and we provide a loving environment for our daughter.  So why shouldn’t we be able to have another?

But today I received wonderful news.  I went to a doctor and by the end of the visit, I had already had a heart scan, blood taken, an ultrasound scheduled, and an appointment for my husband to be checked.  All without being judged.  This doctor was going to help.  He wanted to do a series of tests so that if there was something he could fix, ie thyroid or hormonal issues, and if he couldn’t find anything, he had a list of fertility specialists waiting to help, and he would already have all the blood tests and ultrasounds for them already.  After 2 years of countless doctors turning us away, we were finally getting help.  And even though I don’t know the results, I’m just happy to finally know that answers are coming.

Latest Book Review

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Hi everyone!  I am an avid reader and have decided to write some book reviews.  My latest is on Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones.  Check out my Book Review tab for the full review.  Here is an excerpt;

“Don’t worry Susie; he has a nice life.  He’s trapped in a perfect world.”  Too bad it wasn’t a perfect book.  The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold is about 14 year old Susie Salmon who was murdered by her neighbour, a quiet but odd man, Mr. Harvey.  She soon finds herself in Heaven, a place that has all that you wanted on Earth and more, but she cannot help but let go.  She watches her family and friends, grow up and fall apart, grasping onto her memory, albeit too painful for some.  She also watches her murderer continue to go about his day, still thriving off the adrenaline of her death.

Feel free to suggest any good books and I’ll do my best to write a review on here!  Hope you enjoy!