Tag Archives: reflection

Little Look-A-Likes

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For most people, they either look like one parent or the other.  The Princess is her Daddy’s mini look-a-like.  And after today’s 3-D ultrasound, our Rainbow is too.  Not too long ago, I had a dream where the Rainbow was big, had dark brown hair and looked like me and for a while I thought that maybe it was a premonition of what was to come.  But when I saw his handsome face come on the screen, I burst out laughing because it was startling how much he looked like his Dad and sister.

As a kid and even now I joke that I have reject genes.  I’m short like my Dad, blind like my Mother, and my Dad’s wicked awful knees.  And so after today, I made the joke of saying “I now know it’s true that I have reject genes.  Even in utero, my kids are like “No Thanks.”  LOL But it’s not all bad, my children are both beautiful.

Damn Those Cravings

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It happens every night at 8:30.  Boredom kicks in.  And then comes the cravings.  I have been really good at pushing them away and not giving in.  But they are persistent.  I’m craving ice cream.   Delicious ice cream.  I try and distract myself from thinking about it.

I do the dishes.  Hmm, the bowls are clean, what better way to dirty them than with ice cream.

I fold and refold the Rainbow’s clothing.  I organize and reorganize his drawers.  Then I see the bib with an ice cream cone on it.

I could always go for a walk.  And then again Baskin Robbins is only a 5 minute walk from our home.

I read a book.  What would make reading this book better? Eating ice cream.

I watch TV show.  And of course I watch the Food Network and what’s on?  Ice cream.

Hubby and I have a conversation and without fail it always turns into a game of Rock Paper Scissors as to who is doing the ice cream run.

Even as we speak, I am writing a post and what is it about…ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Birth Plans

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I am now 32 weeks pregnant now and the birth planning has begun.  From day one, I knew I wanted to attempt a VBAC.  I had an emergency C-section with the Princess and I would be lying if I said it was an enjoyable experience.  A botched epidural lead to an improper block which caused me to feel the doctors cut me open and ultimately being put under.  It took hours to come out of the anaesthesia and I wasn’t able to hold my baby until she was over 5 hours old.

When I became pregnant with the Princess, I perhaps foolishly assumed that I would deliver naturally, no drugs and tough it out like many of the women in my family.  My sister, who is a nurse, warned me not to become so rigid in my birth plans in case something were to happen and things didn’t turn out the way I planned.  Those prophetic words still hang with me today.  Needless to say, I was devastated by having a C-section.  That isn’t to say that I’m not grateful for the Princess being born safely.  It upset me that I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days, that I gave in and had an epidural, that I didn’t deliver my baby the way “nature intended.”  I felt like a failure.  And it’s not that anyone else made me feel that way, it was a pressure and expectation I put on myself.   Somehow I had convinced myself that I was in control, that I would labour and deliver my baby.

Now that we near our due date, I am finding myself having those expectations again.  And I am fully aware that my ability to deliver naturally is only 50/50.  Not really great odds.  Perhaps it is out of fear of another botched C-section (despite going to a different doctor and hospital) and the fact that this pregnancy has been a relative breeze compared to my pregnancy with the Princess that gives me the unrealistic hope that this time, this time I’ll do it.  With a  VBAC however, there is a chance of uterine rupture and often doctors will suggest an epidural in case a C-section is necessary.   Also, if I have to be induced, like I was with the Princess, a C-section will be the only option.  I can say with certainty I really really do not want a C-section.  I’ve already spoken with my doctor and I have made it quite clear that if I do have to, I want to be out.  He is aware of what happened last time and seems to be in agreement.  At the same time, I have to weigh the possibility of uterine rupture (which is rare) and the consequences of that.  My doctor seems confident that I am a good candidate for a VBAC and I may get my wish.  I am trying my best not to get my hopes up and just take things as they come, but things are easier said than done.

All Those Vivid Dreams

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Everyone says that you get less Zz’s while pregnant but the dreams you do have are much more vivid when pregnant.  Many believe that the additional hormones are to blame for the heavier dream load and the constant tossing and turning makes you interrupt the REM cycle therefore remembering more dreams in sometimes more vivid details.  I have been having my fair share of bizarre dreams and here are just a few.

  1. Very early on I had a dream that I gave birth early to a baby boy (psychic maybe?) and he was deformed but my Dad was cuddling him nonetheless.  Apparently these dreams represent an anxiety about the babies health.  It is likely since early on we were worried we would lose it, my subconscious was going into worry overdrive.
  2. This one was truly weird but I dreamt that Hubby and I were camping on a beach and the entire campsite was being attacked by Bigfoot.  We tried to trap it with a dummy made out of carrot (???) but it ended up just throwing carrot sticks at us.  Then somehow the Bigfoot pushed a woman into the water where she was circled by sharks.  Dream decipherers believe that dreams of being attacked by animals, albeit fictitious animals, represents a fear of vulnerability.  Or I ate too many Tums before bed.
  3. Lately I’ve been dreaming about loved ones that have passed on.  My Nan, Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, and last night dreamt of my family dog I had as a kid, have been a mainstay in my dreams.  Some may not believe this, but I like to believe that people we love will visit us in our dreams to let us know things will be ok.  However, dreams of relatives who have passed away may be the subconscious’ way of connecting the old and new generations.  But it usually leaves me reaching for tissues when I wake up.  Hormones and sad memories equal a whole box of Kleenex used and in the trash.
  4. I have also had very vivid dreams about certain people in popular culture.   I had a dream I was on tour with the Jonas Brother’s, whose music I have never listened to and then the other night I had a very realistic dream about Snooki.  Somehow the cast of Jersey Shore (a show I don’t watch) and I were visiting my sister who was building a house.  I then turned to Snooki and said “It is a sad thing that future generations will look back and realize you would be considered an influential person during that time.”  It’s even more sad when you wake up and realize that is true.

What crazy dreams did you have when you were expecting?

A Reflection

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Sometimes there are days or dates that make us stop and reflect on things in our life.  Today is my Emery’s angelversary.  Last year I bawled hysterically, locking myself in the bedroom to weep as it had been a year since we lost her.  This year I decided I would not cry, not that I’m not sad or hurting, but that in some small way, she made me stronger.  I sit here typing this post completely grateful for all my life experiences, good and bad, because they have made me into the person I am today.  Sometimes through death we come to realize and appreciate how precious life really is.

I appreciate those in my life more now than before.  Especially my Hubby.  I know I gush about him quite a bit on here, but man, I am very very lucky to have him.  It’s almost been 7 years since we first met and as time goes on we become stronger and stronger.  He is my best friend, the person I can rely on and no matter what happens in our life, I know at the end of it, he will still be there.  He loves me, and I mean really loves me.  There are days when I’m absolutely spent, hair a mess, no make up, wearing nothing but track pants and a bummy old t-shirt, haven’t showered and stressed to the max and I will sometimes catch him smiling at me.  And not the smile that means he’s laughing at me and how I look, but smiling because he loves me.  He has seen me at my worst, held me when I’ve cried, laughed at our best and for those simple reasons is why I love him more than I have ever loved anyone.  He is a good man and I hope that everyone can find someone who makes them as happy as he makes me.

Then there are my children.  Oh my Princess, what a character.  I have watched her grow for the last 4 1/2 years and I am so proud of the little person she is becoming.  Nothing can make me feel better than when I’m lying in bed and she climbs in and wraps her little arms around my neck and snuggles in close and dozes off to sleep.  Her tiny hands, dimples, wild curls and long lashes, oh I could stare at them for hours.  And now that we are anxiously awaiting our Rainbow, who lets me know he is growing big and strong with each kick and flip, I can say that being a parent is both exhausting and rewarding at the same time.  My children are my everything and I cannot wait to watch them grow and experience all their firsts.  I am in love and loved, and for that I am very grateful.

My Emery has taught me how to be resilient, how to heal, and most of all, how to pick myself back up and carry on.  There isn’t ever a day that she doesn’t cross my mind and maybe that is her way of saying “I’m still here.”   So today I will not mourn her passing, but celebrate her life, no matter how short it was, because after all she “was the one who heard what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside.”

Make Your Heart Happy

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February is Heart & Stroke Month and everyone is talking about what foods and exercises you can do & eat to help strengthen your heart. But while most people focus on diet and lifestyle, I say we need to focus on happiness to help make our heart healthy too. Over the last few years I have really learned that life is going to throw you some pretty craptastic curve balls and make you want to throw your hands up and say “Forget this!” but you have to make time for happiness even in the darkest of days.

In a culture where you could on any given moment of any given day you can hear about how the world is ending, the economy is in the toilets, there are BPA’s and red dye number who knows now in just about everything, it’s no wonder that depression is constantly on the rise. Hell, who wouldn’t be depressed listening to the constant negative toxic garbage spewing from every media outlet you can name. I always appreciate it when I hear a story that maybe shouldn’t be classified as news but is uplifting. Yes! Thank you for diverting my attention to something that isn’t making me contemplate calling a help phone line. Life is hard enough without the constant inundation of crap.

My New Year’s resolution was to put myself first and make myself happy and thanking the good Lord above I am sticking true to it. I’ve lost 15 pounds during this pregnancy and thus far have only gained 4 of it back. I joke with my friends that since cutting out stress-causing “friends” from my life, that’s the real reason why I’ve lost the weight.

“Oh yes, I’ve lost 15 lbs, it is because I’ve lost 5 assholes since New Years.”

See a joke, haha makes you laugh and happy. Did you know that laughing improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow which can protect you from a heart attack. Make your heart happy by laughing. Laugh it up, watch funny movies, tell jokes, play pranks, get tickled, whatever makes you laugh and enjoy it. Life is short and there must be something behind “Laughter is the best medicine.”

Another way to make your heart happy is by showing love and appreciation to those around you.  Whether it is hugging or kissing or even holding hands, show affection and your heart will thank you.  Holding the hand of a loved one has been proven to reduce stress levels.  It is such a simple, yet intimate and caring gesture that will make you feel better no matter what.   Even though you don’t need to speak, holding someone’s hand gives you that little “everything will be ok” reassurance we sometimes need.  Case in point.  In October of last year, I went to a Baby Loss Memorial without Hubby and during the service I began to cry.  Without ever speaking to this woman before, she came up to me, took my hand and held it for the remainder of the ceremony.  I do not know this womans name, her story or where she’s from, but she did me such a service by simply taking my hand.  She was there to mourn her loss as well and took the time to let me know I was not alone.

So go on people, laugh, love and be happy.  Giggle at those funny pictures online, ogle those adorable pictures of cutesy babies and fluffy puppies, grab a drink with a buddy at the bar, eat that giant bowl of ice cream without any guilt and love your friends and family.  Have 2013 be the best and happiest year ever!

Tell me you don't want to give this lil' guy a squish

Tell me you don’t want to give this lil’ guy a squish

Student of The Month

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I am so very proud to announce that the Princess won Student of The Month for January for Outstanding Teamwork. I picked up Princess from school and I had noticed the teacher had put a blue paper in her bag. I just thought it was another craft. The Princess didn’t say anything about the award and when we got home, I checked her bag and found the award. She had the biggest smile on her face and I was cheering her and texted Hubby right away.

“Are you proud of me Mommy?” she asked.

“I’m so very very proud of you. This is amazing Princess!”

I hung it on the refrigerator and started telling everyone I knew. I am so happy that she won the award especially after the rocky start she had in September. She’s finally hitting her stride and getting comfortable with school. She’s letting that super personality shine through and helping her peers. I know I’ve said it already but I’m one proud Mama!

“Mommy, Where Do Babies Come From?”

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228149Oh yes, that bomb dropped last week.  I guess I had it coming now that we are pregnant, but I didn’t think at 4, she would be asking me.  We were getting ready for school and she came up to me with the most curious look on her face.

“Mommy, where do babies come from?” she asked.  I stood there for a good 5 minutes trying to find the most age appropriate answer.

“Umm, where do you think they come from?” I asked using the movie ‘Knocked Up’ as my saving grace.

“I think when you eat food it sits in your stomach until it grows into a baby,” she answered seriously.

“Yup.”  And that was the end of the discussion.  I wish I had something much better to offer at the time, but I was unprepared and needed time to figure out what, if anything I wanted to provide given her age.

I started researching how was the best way, if it was appropriate to tell them at a young age and what repercussions to expect.  From what I gathered, any age is appropriate as long as the material is age appropriate and straightforward.  A study showed that children who were given information from an early age and information that continued on throughout youth and puberty were less likely to have unprotected sex, teen pregnancy and STD’s.  That was enough to convince me to give her the facts.  And besides, I don’t want to be that mother (or grandmother) on Teen Mom or 16 and Pregnant.  Nooo thank you.  I ran into my neighbour, who is also the blogger from Mafa’s World, she suggested ‘It’s Not The Stork’ by Robie H. Harris.   So off I went to my local book store and kindly approached the sales rep.

“Um excuse me, do you have any books on sex,” I whispered, “that are appropriate for 4 year olds?”

“Yes, sure, follow me,” she replied and led me to the children’s section.  She said that most parent decide what books they want and how much they edit.  She handed me a book about periods.

“Um, no sorry, for 4 year olds, not 14 year olds.  I need a book about where babies come from.”

She handed me ‘It’s Not The Stork’ as well as ‘A New Baby Is Coming! A Guide For A Big Brother Or Sister’ by Emily Menendez-Aponte.  I paid for the books and went on my way.

I was so nervous picking her up from school that I must have dropped the bag about 6 times.  Flashbacks of my ‘sex talk’ came flooding back.  I was maybe 12 years old and I was in the living room watching the original version of Degrassi Junior High, the episode where Spike announces she’s pregnant.  My mother whom was sitting in the kitchen saw what was on the TV.

“Do you have any questions?” she yelled.

And as quickly as she asked, I quickly replied, “Nope!”

And that was the extent of my sex talk in my preteens.  She always had warned me about boys and their intentions, STD’s and pregnancy but that was definitely the moment that stuck out in my head.

So when the Princess and I got home, I read ‘A New Baby is Coming!’  I really liked this book.  It didn’t give specifics but openly discussed that sometimes children have feelings of sadness, or anger and that it was alright to ask Mommy and Daddy about it.  We then read ‘It’s Not The Stork’ which gives a much more detailed account and cartoon pictures of private parts and how exactly babies are made. S-E-X.  When I said the three-letter word, the Princess just looked at me with this quasi confused and disgusted look on her face.  I didn’t give her the how to’s, but she was pretty much content with what I told her.  But when Daddy came home, she felt the need to inform him also.

After the Princess went to bed, Hubby flipped through the books and just said he was ‘not ready’ for this conversation yet.  I edited some of the information as she’s still only 4, but at least we have these materials available for future questions.  So far, she is content with what she knows.

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“You’re a Powerful Woman”

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Today I received a compliment, all the while gracious and extremely flattering, I am not sure that I deserve such a compliment.  There is one mother whose son is in the same class as the Princess and her and I have grown to know one another over the last few months.  Today, we were speaking and she said this;

“You’re such a powerful woman.”

I said thank you very much and was left flabbergasted.  The bell soon rang and we parted ways.  On the ride to work, I kept thinking in my head “Am I a powerful woman?  What exactly classifies a powerful woman?”  I perceive women who have persevered, sacrificed and conquered as powerful.  I have been very fortunate to have known many powerful women in my life.

My mother’s mother was one of the most influential people in my life.  A war bride during the second world war, she moved to a country and started a family.  That alone speaks volumes to me.  She was a stay at home wife and mother to 5 children when my grandfather died when my mother was only 5 from a heart attack.  She then had to find the strength and courage to raise 5 children single-handedly.  She would later retire, own her own home and at one point or another had 6 of her 12 grandchildren live with her.  She bought me my first dictionary, quizzed me on trivia and really instilled the love of reading I have now.  I was only 14 years old when she died, but her legacy will have a lasting effect on me for the rest of my life.

Next was my father’s mother.  A dutiful farm wife, she raised 11 children.  She cooked, cleaned, and worked in the field up until she gave birth to my father.  She never complained about the work load and even sacrificed her own education so her brother could go to school.   Family was paramount to her and for that I have an enormous amount of respect for her.  And she loved my grandfather.  At every meal, she always ate using the utensils my grandfather brought home from basic training in WWII.   I will always remember her rocking in her rocking chair, staring out the window, watching my grandfather work outside.

These women demonstrate and illustrate strength to me that I one day hope to possess.  While I may have been told I was a powerful woman today, I feel like I have big shoes to fill.  I do greatly appreciate the compliment.

Five Things I Want to Achieve This December

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Like most months, I am doing the same thing I always do, set 5 goals for myself to accomplish each month.  Here are my five for this month and they are all Holiday related.

  1. Catch up on all my favourite Christmas carols.
  2. Have a holiday movie marathon with the Princess.
  3. Bake and eat my fair share of holiday treats.
  4. Take a nice and long winter stroll.
  5. Rediscover the true meaning of Christmas.