Category Archives: Inner thoughts

Finding the Balance

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In the last 9 months since my son was born I have had difficulty finding the balance between being a Mom and all the other things I have to do. I will admit that writing frequently on this blog has taken somewhat of a backseat and so has my laundry, eating regularly, showering, my mental sanity, the list could go on forever. In my quest to be the ultimate Stepford Wife/Mommy/Maid/Chef Extraordinaire, life has served me a heaping slice of humble pie. I guess that’s a good thing since I haven’t eaten breakfast in 3 months.

The Princess gave me a false idea that I was some sort of parenting aficionado. She nursed on a schedule, slept through the night, had 3-2 hour naps a day, and was content doing her own thing. I could clean my house, do laundry, shower, eat, have dinner on the table by the time Hubby got home, I could do it all. Back then I thought myself as the parenting superhero, full cape and costume. Oh why I yes I will gladly accept that parent of the year award. Turns out, that had NOTHING, NADA, ZIP to do with me. It was her personality as a baby. Granted it has changed now, but back then, she was an EASY baby.

Now my son, whom my family doctor asserts has been ‘touched by fire’, is NOTHING like my daughter. Complete opposite in fact. At 9 months, he is still not sleeping through the night and must be carried at all times when he is not climbing onto, under and into whatever his surprisingly nimble little body will allow. He is also insanely attached to me. It’s not all bad. I mean who doesn’t love snuggles by their very own cuddle monster? But when I am attempting to make dinner and I have a fiery ginger screaming himself apoplectic to the point in which he begins to gag and vomit, it becomes stressful. Hubby will often hold him and stand in the kitchen just so he can see me and have his needs of being held fulfilled.

In the beginning of my maternity leave, Hubby would often come home and ask ‘What did you do today?’ Cue the hand waving, heading bobbing ‘oh no you did not just ask me what I did today!’ Sleepless nights, up-all-days, 2 children needing every ounce of attention I could muster had set me on the precarious edge of sensitivity and insanity. And poor Hubby was catching it in all directions. A few months later I sat him down and made a very frank confession. That Mom that had the spotless house and dinner on the table with baby #1 is gone and likely will not return for a few more years. Not until my baby boy is sleeping regularly, more independent and I have caught up on some sleep. I couldn’t be that Mom without something, such as my children being left behind. I love a spotless house, but never at the expense of my children’s happiness and well-being. He would just have to settle for a tidy house that gets cleaned thoroughly on the weekend, dinner an hour after he gets home and a slightly crazier wife.

Life isn’t so bad though. I am still searching for that elusive thing called balance, but I get done what I can in a day and stop trying to beat myself up for what didn’t. I may be a raggedy mess of a Mom, but I am doing my very best that I can and I am ok with that. As I lay here, typing this post on my phone, laying next to my baby boy who is getting some cursed molars, I know that this too shall pass.

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Little Look-A-Likes

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For most people, they either look like one parent or the other.  The Princess is her Daddy’s mini look-a-like.  And after today’s 3-D ultrasound, our Rainbow is too.  Not too long ago, I had a dream where the Rainbow was big, had dark brown hair and looked like me and for a while I thought that maybe it was a premonition of what was to come.  But when I saw his handsome face come on the screen, I burst out laughing because it was startling how much he looked like his Dad and sister.

As a kid and even now I joke that I have reject genes.  I’m short like my Dad, blind like my Mother, and my Dad’s wicked awful knees.  And so after today, I made the joke of saying “I now know it’s true that I have reject genes.  Even in utero, my kids are like “No Thanks.”  LOL But it’s not all bad, my children are both beautiful.

Damn Those Cravings

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It happens every night at 8:30.  Boredom kicks in.  And then comes the cravings.  I have been really good at pushing them away and not giving in.  But they are persistent.  I’m craving ice cream.   Delicious ice cream.  I try and distract myself from thinking about it.

I do the dishes.  Hmm, the bowls are clean, what better way to dirty them than with ice cream.

I fold and refold the Rainbow’s clothing.  I organize and reorganize his drawers.  Then I see the bib with an ice cream cone on it.

I could always go for a walk.  And then again Baskin Robbins is only a 5 minute walk from our home.

I read a book.  What would make reading this book better? Eating ice cream.

I watch TV show.  And of course I watch the Food Network and what’s on?  Ice cream.

Hubby and I have a conversation and without fail it always turns into a game of Rock Paper Scissors as to who is doing the ice cream run.

Even as we speak, I am writing a post and what is it about…ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Birth Plans

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I am now 32 weeks pregnant now and the birth planning has begun.  From day one, I knew I wanted to attempt a VBAC.  I had an emergency C-section with the Princess and I would be lying if I said it was an enjoyable experience.  A botched epidural lead to an improper block which caused me to feel the doctors cut me open and ultimately being put under.  It took hours to come out of the anaesthesia and I wasn’t able to hold my baby until she was over 5 hours old.

When I became pregnant with the Princess, I perhaps foolishly assumed that I would deliver naturally, no drugs and tough it out like many of the women in my family.  My sister, who is a nurse, warned me not to become so rigid in my birth plans in case something were to happen and things didn’t turn out the way I planned.  Those prophetic words still hang with me today.  Needless to say, I was devastated by having a C-section.  That isn’t to say that I’m not grateful for the Princess being born safely.  It upset me that I had to stay in the hospital for 4 days, that I gave in and had an epidural, that I didn’t deliver my baby the way “nature intended.”  I felt like a failure.  And it’s not that anyone else made me feel that way, it was a pressure and expectation I put on myself.   Somehow I had convinced myself that I was in control, that I would labour and deliver my baby.

Now that we near our due date, I am finding myself having those expectations again.  And I am fully aware that my ability to deliver naturally is only 50/50.  Not really great odds.  Perhaps it is out of fear of another botched C-section (despite going to a different doctor and hospital) and the fact that this pregnancy has been a relative breeze compared to my pregnancy with the Princess that gives me the unrealistic hope that this time, this time I’ll do it.  With a  VBAC however, there is a chance of uterine rupture and often doctors will suggest an epidural in case a C-section is necessary.   Also, if I have to be induced, like I was with the Princess, a C-section will be the only option.  I can say with certainty I really really do not want a C-section.  I’ve already spoken with my doctor and I have made it quite clear that if I do have to, I want to be out.  He is aware of what happened last time and seems to be in agreement.  At the same time, I have to weigh the possibility of uterine rupture (which is rare) and the consequences of that.  My doctor seems confident that I am a good candidate for a VBAC and I may get my wish.  I am trying my best not to get my hopes up and just take things as they come, but things are easier said than done.

A Reflection

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Sometimes there are days or dates that make us stop and reflect on things in our life.  Today is my Emery’s angelversary.  Last year I bawled hysterically, locking myself in the bedroom to weep as it had been a year since we lost her.  This year I decided I would not cry, not that I’m not sad or hurting, but that in some small way, she made me stronger.  I sit here typing this post completely grateful for all my life experiences, good and bad, because they have made me into the person I am today.  Sometimes through death we come to realize and appreciate how precious life really is.

I appreciate those in my life more now than before.  Especially my Hubby.  I know I gush about him quite a bit on here, but man, I am very very lucky to have him.  It’s almost been 7 years since we first met and as time goes on we become stronger and stronger.  He is my best friend, the person I can rely on and no matter what happens in our life, I know at the end of it, he will still be there.  He loves me, and I mean really loves me.  There are days when I’m absolutely spent, hair a mess, no make up, wearing nothing but track pants and a bummy old t-shirt, haven’t showered and stressed to the max and I will sometimes catch him smiling at me.  And not the smile that means he’s laughing at me and how I look, but smiling because he loves me.  He has seen me at my worst, held me when I’ve cried, laughed at our best and for those simple reasons is why I love him more than I have ever loved anyone.  He is a good man and I hope that everyone can find someone who makes them as happy as he makes me.

Then there are my children.  Oh my Princess, what a character.  I have watched her grow for the last 4 1/2 years and I am so proud of the little person she is becoming.  Nothing can make me feel better than when I’m lying in bed and she climbs in and wraps her little arms around my neck and snuggles in close and dozes off to sleep.  Her tiny hands, dimples, wild curls and long lashes, oh I could stare at them for hours.  And now that we are anxiously awaiting our Rainbow, who lets me know he is growing big and strong with each kick and flip, I can say that being a parent is both exhausting and rewarding at the same time.  My children are my everything and I cannot wait to watch them grow and experience all their firsts.  I am in love and loved, and for that I am very grateful.

My Emery has taught me how to be resilient, how to heal, and most of all, how to pick myself back up and carry on.  There isn’t ever a day that she doesn’t cross my mind and maybe that is her way of saying “I’m still here.”   So today I will not mourn her passing, but celebrate her life, no matter how short it was, because after all she “was the one who heard what my heartbeat sounds like from the inside.”

Make Your Heart Happy

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February is Heart & Stroke Month and everyone is talking about what foods and exercises you can do & eat to help strengthen your heart. But while most people focus on diet and lifestyle, I say we need to focus on happiness to help make our heart healthy too. Over the last few years I have really learned that life is going to throw you some pretty craptastic curve balls and make you want to throw your hands up and say “Forget this!” but you have to make time for happiness even in the darkest of days.

In a culture where you could on any given moment of any given day you can hear about how the world is ending, the economy is in the toilets, there are BPA’s and red dye number who knows now in just about everything, it’s no wonder that depression is constantly on the rise. Hell, who wouldn’t be depressed listening to the constant negative toxic garbage spewing from every media outlet you can name. I always appreciate it when I hear a story that maybe shouldn’t be classified as news but is uplifting. Yes! Thank you for diverting my attention to something that isn’t making me contemplate calling a help phone line. Life is hard enough without the constant inundation of crap.

My New Year’s resolution was to put myself first and make myself happy and thanking the good Lord above I am sticking true to it. I’ve lost 15 pounds during this pregnancy and thus far have only gained 4 of it back. I joke with my friends that since cutting out stress-causing “friends” from my life, that’s the real reason why I’ve lost the weight.

“Oh yes, I’ve lost 15 lbs, it is because I’ve lost 5 assholes since New Years.”

See a joke, haha makes you laugh and happy. Did you know that laughing improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow which can protect you from a heart attack. Make your heart happy by laughing. Laugh it up, watch funny movies, tell jokes, play pranks, get tickled, whatever makes you laugh and enjoy it. Life is short and there must be something behind “Laughter is the best medicine.”

Another way to make your heart happy is by showing love and appreciation to those around you.  Whether it is hugging or kissing or even holding hands, show affection and your heart will thank you.  Holding the hand of a loved one has been proven to reduce stress levels.  It is such a simple, yet intimate and caring gesture that will make you feel better no matter what.   Even though you don’t need to speak, holding someone’s hand gives you that little “everything will be ok” reassurance we sometimes need.  Case in point.  In October of last year, I went to a Baby Loss Memorial without Hubby and during the service I began to cry.  Without ever speaking to this woman before, she came up to me, took my hand and held it for the remainder of the ceremony.  I do not know this womans name, her story or where she’s from, but she did me such a service by simply taking my hand.  She was there to mourn her loss as well and took the time to let me know I was not alone.

So go on people, laugh, love and be happy.  Giggle at those funny pictures online, ogle those adorable pictures of cutesy babies and fluffy puppies, grab a drink with a buddy at the bar, eat that giant bowl of ice cream without any guilt and love your friends and family.  Have 2013 be the best and happiest year ever!

Tell me you don't want to give this lil' guy a squish

Tell me you don’t want to give this lil’ guy a squish